Am I done having babies? Am I sure?

As I put away laundry, I can’t help but notice the pile of outgrown clothes just keeps growing and I continually ponder the same question, “Where should it all go?” Do I keep them in totes in case we have one more?  Or should I give them to friends/family as hand-me-downs or donate them to a consignment store? I just can’t help but get a little sentimental while holding those tiny onesies one final time up to my chest and marvel how they ever fit in such a tiny ensemble.  “Were they really ever that little?”

Waves of emotions wash over me as I begin to reminisce the not-so distant past. The onesie that was once too big is now too small, and it triggers the memories of all those precious milestones- first smile, first steps, first words.  My pelvis twinges and I feel my ovaries start to dance as I remember that new baby smell, their soft, smooth skin, and that big toothless grin.  Something I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about lately is, “How will I know when I’m done having kids?”

As my children grow up and become more independent little people, I secretly long for the days where I was constantly needed.  You see, there’s a void inside of me that I’m not sure will ever go away.  And in this space is where my desire to have more children resides.  I feel this strange sense of sadness when I realize my body, which has housed and pushed out two pretty amazing kids, may never do so again.  I only planned on having 2 kids.  And now I have 2 healthy, awesome babies, one boy and one girl.  The perfect ratio. Better than I ever imagined.  More than I ever hoped for.  So, so blessed!  So why in the world do I secretly (sometimes) want more???

There are times, when I see or hold a newborn, I long to have another baby of my own. I miss that sweet, innocent, cuddly stage. As my friends have babies and I hold them in the early days of their life, I feel an emptiness inside of me grow for a short time and I’m briefly overcome with a touch of jealousy.

BUT then…. there are times when my kids are acting like wild hellions- running around naked, leaving a cracker crumb trail, refusing to nap, breaking everything in sight, screaming at the top of their lungs, or crying because who the heck knows why! (Man, I’m giving myself a headache just typing about it) Yep, in those moments I wish I’d had a hysterectomy!

Whatever the case, I spend a lot of time folding laundry, dissecting every pro and con.

The pros:

  • Another kiddo to love on
  • Another live-in, life-long friend for our kids to play with
  • I’m still young
  • I love my kids more than anything
  • They’re so cute
  • They’re so funny

The cons are more complicated:

  • Misery of pregnancy
  • Additional wear and tear on my body
  • Sleep deprivation
  • More diapers
  • More crying
  • No social life
  • Cost of daycare/food/vacations/cars/college/weddings

Then there’s the scary what-if’s:

  • What if I’m pushing my luck?
  • What if the baby isn’t healthy?

 

You see, the problem is, and what I tend to forget, is that babies don’t stay babies. They grow up. So, I feel like no matter how many kids I have, I’m always going to miss having a ‘baby’.

How many kids do you have? Do you want more?

How did you know when you were done having kids?

My life already seems stressful and hectic enough as it is, do I dare add another child to this fragile infrastructure?

4 thoughts on “Am I done having babies? Am I sure?

  1. I just love your blog. I am a sister sonographer & mother of two, boy & girl. I knew I was done when my daughter was 2 weeks old. I was soooooo tired! I am now getting to sleep more, she is 1 and the toddler stage is here. I saw a friend and her new baby yesterday…..I held the baby, but no desire was there to have more. (I thought, whew….. I am glad I am done with that!) I am going to enjoy the two I have! No matter what happens, you seem to be an awesome mom & are rocking motherhood!

    1. Thank You! I appreciate you reaching out to me! Sounds like we have a LOT in common! I am tired a lot of the time too, but as I tell my patients, “It’s a good tired!” I love my kids so much and I never want them to grow up. I want them to always need me. Like I said in the post, there are days I yearn for more and others I’m completely done!! Uuuugh! I just can’t decide! Cheers to you momma have a great weekend!

  2. We too wanted 2, same as you had a boy and girl and I was turning 38! Yet there was such a deep yearning for 1 more I prayed on the answer to come to me, alot. I remember never wanting to look 5 years down the road, living with regret and say “I wish we’d had a 3rd baby” when we decided to try fir a 3rd, I got pregnant immediately, the very first month, and I knew God wanted us to have 3 children. I worried a bit about my age and the risks but the worries went away. Knowing I am dedicated to being in shape, nothing, not even a 3rd baby was going to stand in the way of getting my body back, and honestly I’m in the best shape of my life right now. After Reagan was born, I just felt absolutely complete. I knew then we did the right thing and that chapter in our lives was now ready to be closed, and I felt good about it. I was sure. Our lives are stupidly insane right now yes, but have no regrets.

  3. also, everywhere I went I saw three’s(3 kids with families)….like to the point that that’s what god was trying to tell me in the clearest way, we were supposed to have a 3rd baby

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